The world can be a frightening place, but nothing is more terrifying than an empty bed after we break up a relationship. And it gets even worse when we’re still in love.
It’s hard to have to say goodbye. And it becomes an even bigger nightmare when you can’t stop wondering if he’ll think of you, if he’ll miss you, if he’ll move on faster, slower, if he’ll start dating other people two weeks from now, a month, a year… And all of this comes to your mind when you haven’t even had your coffee in the morning.
When you’re still in love with him you don’t want him doing anything without you. But that won’t happen because he doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
I know you could still have done a lot of things together. You could have been two people in their thirties acting like teenagers, having fun, traveling, enjoying each other’s company. You could have gone more to the theater, to the movies, to cycling in the park, sitting on the porch to admire the stars or the moon…
And everything would be very beautiful and very wonderful. But one day or night you will end up crossing and facing your past, present and future. And you won’t like it.
As you revisit your past months, where you have experienced high and low states of euphoria, happiness and frustration, you find yourself today in deep sadness, trapped within your thoughts and your longing for him. And the longing will also hunt your future when you remember that he will be absent in the next chapters of your history.
It’s amazing how the love of a broken heart can haunt us so much. And when you have unresolved feelings is even worse because they come back again and again and you feel that they will only go away when you finally clear it up, putting all the cards on the table.
My relationship with Christopher was over, maybe yours too. He must have shown you this many times and in different words, but it’s as if you feel that there is still something there and that you should keep his presence around until finally whatever was hidden between feelings or words could finally show up and be clarified.
But aren’t you just deluding yourself? You still haven’t picked up that pillow that you “forgot” at the house before you finally moved out from the address you previously shared with him as the last excuse you have for keeping any kind of contact.
When the love of your life ends with you, do you really give up on it? Or do you just accept that he’s gone and get on with your life with the broken-hearted ghost haunting you wherever you go?
This past weekend I was not only haunted by this ghost but I had the feeling that I was lying in bed with him.
Not unlike the last few weeks or months, I couldn’t stop thinking about any of the moments we spent together, turning over my memories and carefully digging through all the emotional and bodily signs he might have given me in recent weeks so that I could still have so much hope that he would look at his cell phone and send me a message saying that he wanted me to be part of his life again.
Since we broke up and since I left his house, I have never received any message from him saying that he was missing me. I also never met him at my door late at night saying he needed to see me. I was the only one who did these kinds of things.
But what can you do when we miss someone we love so much?
Even knowing that he no longer wants you around many times you still can’t control yourself and you end up going after him, begging or humiliating yourself for any gesture, crumb of affection or love from his part.
And the more you do these kinds of things, the longer the broken-hearted ghost will roam the city behind you and haunt you.
I know he’s not on your side right now, but no matter where you are you can see him everywhere. Around the corner, across the street, in the library you usually go to, your favorite ice cream shop, and maybe even where you work.
But all of this will become funny for you when after a night of clear thinking and thinking about all of this you feel a click as if something is being turned on inside you. And that will be the heartbroken ghost leaving. And when that happens you will finally see things exactly as they were.
All the masks will fall. You will see everything crystal and clear. He really won’t come back to you. He will not put you back in his life.
And one day you will see this ghost again. You will put all your fears and insecurities aside, and make the most difficult decision you have made in recent months.
You will confront your ghost in person. You will feel him. The hairs on your arms will crawl. Like the last time that you looked into his beautiful blue eyes during the last lunch that you had with him and you didn’t even know you were letting him go. But that’s ok, you’re fine, you already let him go for a while.
You will look him in the eyes, nod and that will be it. Nothing more than that. Your ghost really no longer exists.
The ghost of the broken heart will no longer haunt you.
You’re free to live your life now.