People are always looking for something when they are in a relationship.
Sometimes they want attention, sometimes they want to have someone to talk to, sometimes they want to be loved and other times they are looking for sex.
In friendships are the same. That Sunday afternoon I was looking for company. It was the first holiday I was spending without Christopher around and all I wanted was someone to spend the afternoon and talk to.
Of the two friends I invited to have lunch, one was willing to go and two hours later we were both on our way to the beautiful bistro I had been to a few months ago.
While it was a little awkward for me to go the southern part of the city without having him around, for Alana it was gratifying to be walking for the first time in that area.
It was different for me to make this tour in a part of the city that for me, seems to belong to him since he grew up in the area and always told me stories or pointed me places as we were passing by.
When we got to the bistro it was almost empty. Not a lot of noise from other people talking around. The chat we had was great. I had not had such a light and relaxed chat in a long time, although ninety percent of the time we were chatting it was about Alana’s ex-husband and Christopher.
We spent about four to five hours chatting about a little of everything involving our ex. And besides I have had fun and I was feeling great, when I came home, something was missing. He was missing.
Just a few minutes later I texted him asking if he would be free sometime that night. I know I shouldn’t, but it was stronger than me.
A few hours later he sent me the time he was gonna be available and there was I, at the scheduled time knocking on his door. In my new blue dress and coat that I’d bought with him.
When he opened the door, he glanced at me, turned his back, and went upstairs to the bedroom. This is not common. Usually, he would look or stare at me for a while, ask me something or make a joke.
I thought his attitude was a little weird, but did I care? Of course not. I was there, and he was there. That’s all I wanted – besides sex of course.
And everything was going well until some details began to emerge. Like the fact that I was missing him a lot. I tried to control myself and behave, which I think I did very well, and in the meantime, I tried to schedule an upcoming date. He doesn’t seem to be in the mood, but he says we can do it again without problems and asks me to go because he is tired and wants to sleep. I got upset when he asked me that. But again, what was I going to do? At least I had the opportunity to see him, and have him and feel him for an hour.
And that was the only thing that mattered at that moment. But at the same time, for the fraction of a second that I watched him lying in bed in the fetal position, which he always gets when he is very tired or upset about something, I couldn’t stop thinking about what was his problem? How could he be doing that?
Why he didn’t wanna be with me anymore? How could he be so well with the end of our relationship and so easily let me go?
I couldn’t stop thinking that one day he was saying he loved me and the next he was pushing me out of his life almost as I’ve never been there. And I still can’t believe it happened the way it did! I can’t!
I also can’t stop thinking why I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep going back to the same house and the same bed we once shared, that one day we made plans, or speculated that we would make plans? Why?
I must be crazy or masochistic or something!
In any kind of relationship, there is always love and pain. But what will be the line that sets the boundary between loving and suffering? What limits both of walking hand in hand?
Some people say that if you don’t really suffer for your love then is not real love, and therefore it’s not worth it. That to develop or evolve our love, it requires a little bit of pain and suffering.
But then how do we stop the pain and let love reign?
I always think too much about things and being a woman, I end up thinking even more. And again, I was unable to stop thinking that there had been many situations that I could have faced differently during our relationship. In order not to compromise our relationship. I keep thinking there must have been many other ways to solve our problems.
I know I’ve probably lost my temper with Christopher a lot when there was no reason or need to. And even though I knew I shouldn’t, I did it anyway.
I did it because as everybody else I wanted something. Honestly, what’s the problem of wanting someone who would sit with you at the table for thirty minutes to choose where you would go for a few days on vacation? What is the problem of wanting a boyfriend who wants to hang out with you on the weekends and have some fun during the night? What is the problem of wanting a boyfriend who acts like a boyfriend?
None! Because that’s what we want when we are in a relationship!
The problem is, he wanted a relationship that wasn’t a relationship. He wanted a relationship where after one or two problems he could simply put me in another department of his life and leave me there.
He doesn’t care that I ended the way I did the situation of my previous relationship because I didn’t want anything but us between us, he doesn’t care that I didn’t accept more than one job offer so I could be around him – he even tried to make me get other jobs in other countries – he said I shouldn’t do things for him but for me.
And why would I get bored with old relationship situations when I could be free beside him? And why would I refuse good job offers if it wasn’t for him? Why would I want to stay forever in a place that is cold, always raining and it’s almost never sunny if it wasn’t to be with him, to support him if he needed it? Why would I stay here if not for the fact that he has no intentions of leaving here because he wants to be close to his friends, be close to his mother? Why would I not leave if wasn’t for the fact that perhaps one day – if I was lucky enough to get pregnant regarding my problems- to have his kids in his country and in his comfort zone?
What a fool I was!
He was tired of telling me not to do anything expecting something in return.
I’ve spent all these last month’s holding on to my depression, trying not to bother him with my boring things – since he’s not the kind of person who empathizes with things easily, being sweet and not looking for other opportunities that I couldn’t have him by my side and in the end he didn’t even care if I was in his life or not! Because as he said I shouldn’t expect anything in return.
What the fuck! Is this really something you say to someone you said you love?
Is waiting for someone who says that loves you to love you back or even like you a lot?
I’m so tired of still being in love with a man who doesn’t care about me.
I’m so tired of being in love with a man who changes his speech all the time about his feelings for me and tries to rationalize everything to find reasons for not letting himself be near me or maybe anyone! Because in the end, the traumas and bad relationships he has had or that he has seen someone having in the past makes him so afraid and terrified of getting hurt that he would rather have me away from his life.
Why is it so hard for some people to let someone else into their lives for real? Why is it so hard for them to love and accept to be loved?
He said he loved me a few weeks after we had broken up. Then he said he liked me. Then he said he didn’t know what he felt anymore, but he didn’t feel much. The inconsistency of his feelings or of his capacity of making his mind about me, him or even us makes me crazy! Most of the times I believe that he doesn’t really feel anything for me but for some reason, he doesn’t have the guts to tell this cristal and clear in my face.
Is it that hard to define our feelings for someone?
Each time we meet I feel that there are not so many more things to say.
Each time we finish making love and I look into his beautiful blue eyes I always wonder if what I feel for him is really love, or if I’m just addicted to the pain of the pleasure of love that he gives me?
What sadism is this that makes me want someone so badly even if he doesn’t want me back?
The last time we made love, in the end, he pulled me and indicated that I should lie in his arms. I quickly got up and dressed as fast as I had never done before.
“I’m leaving. I won’t stay and pretend we are and have what we don’t have.”
He looked at me as if to confirm that I really agreed with the words that came out of my mouth. In fact, I didn’t. All I wanted was to lie in his arms and feel the warmth of his body, but I felt like I was going into a trap.
One part of me wanted to lie there desperately, but another part of me knew that if I did, I might not be able to return to my lucidity again and enter in the euphoria and madness that I was plunged into a few weeks ago.
So, I finished getting dressed, went down to the door, got my bike and cycled home.
And so, on that moment, I felt I had untied another knot inside me for him.